in the middle of the room, one desk to the left, will be the desk of Hannah Baker. Empty.”
Hannah Baker killed herself. She
used to fill her life. She was a filling in the world. Her desk was full the day before, now her empty desk is there, reminding everyone that she is gone. The desk is like her life, once full, now empty.
boys and girls. Hannah baker here. Live and in stereo. No return engagements, no encore, and this time absolutely no requests.
I hope you’re ready, because I’m about to tell you the story of my life.
More specifically, why it ended. And if you’re listening to these
tapes, you’re one of the reasons why.”
These are the opening words on the tapes that Hannah baker recorded before
killing herself. These words will change the lives of seven people. Seven innocent people, who were now guilty of Hannah bakers death.
These were the words that would crush them.
“you can’t rewrite
the past is over. You cant go
back and change it. You cant take back things that you said, or do things you
wish you had. Once you walk away from an opportunity it is gone. There is no changing it. If someone had done what they thought
was right in the moment, then the past would not need to be rewritten.
“Monet’s Garden was
our safe haven.”
this was the place that Hannah and her friends went to. It was the place that they felt safe, where they could let loose and relax.
When Hannah’s friends left her, her safe haven was no longer a safe hiding place form the world. It was not an open public place where good and bad could happen.
“everyone needs an olly-olly-oxen
everyone needs friends or just someone who they can talk to. Who they can tell about their problems and accomplishments. If
this person leaves your life you are forced to keep to yourself. This will eat
away at you until there is nothing left. Hannah had her olly-olly-oxen free, until her friends betrayed her.
“Because when you’re
posed, you know someone’s watching. You put on your very best smile. You let your sweetest personality shine. And
in high school people are always watching so there’s always a reason to pose.”
No one is real. Everyone judges
everyone, so people pretend to be someone who they are not. You are always on
stage, put in the spotlight, not allowed to let your true colors show. So you
try to be the best that you can be. Everyone is Hannah’s life seemed just
to be posing for the camera, but behind closed doors they were completely different people.
“put all of your heart into
getting that first kiss…only to have it thrown back in your face. Have the only two people you truly trust turn against
you. Have one of them use you to get back at the other, and then be accused of
betrayal. Are you getting it now? Am
I going too fast?”
“then come to realize that
you’re making mountains out of molehills. Realize how pretty you’ve
become. Sure, it may feel like you can’t get a grip in this town. It may seem that every time someone offers you a hand up, they just let go and you
slip further down. But you must stop being so pessimistic, Hannah, and learn
to trust those around you.”
Nothing is what it seems to be. In
the scheme of things the whole thing seems more glamorous than it really is. No
one looks at the little things, the details. You may be striving for something
that you never needed, and doing something that was not meant for you to do. Once
you get something it is thrown back in your face, as if it was just all a joke.
“no one knows for certain
how much impact they have on the lives of other people.”
Everyone in this book had no idea that the things they did impacted Hannah
so deeply. Every little things that someone does, no matter how harmless it may
seem, can stick with someone and eat away at them.
“a few days before she took
the pills, Hannah was herself again. She said hello to everyone in the halls. She looked us in the eyes. It seemed
so drastic because it had been months since she had acted like that. Like the
Hannah wanted to be remembered. She
did not want to just slip away under everyone fingers and not have them notice. She
wanted them to feel bad for what they had done. She had kept to herself for so
long, ad not before she was about to end her life she was friendly Hannah again. The
person that people would remember her for.
“or maybe I wanted someone
to point a finger at me and say, “Hannah, are you thinking about killing yourself?
Please don’t do that, Hannah. Please.” But deep down, the truth was that the only person saying that was me.
Deep down those were my words.”
She was sending out little signals. Screaming
for help, but not loud enough for anyone to hear. She wanted people to reach
out and tell her to stop, to help her, just be a friend. But no one noticed,
she was the only one telling herself to stop, not to commit suicide. But one
persons opinion on things was not enough to keep her going.
“and that’s why, right
at that moment, I felt so much hate. Toward myself. I deserved to be on this list. Because if I hadn’t been
so afraid of everyone else I might have told Hannah that someone cared. And Hannah
might still be alive.”
Clay was afraid of what pother people would think of him. He was afraid of himself, and what Hannah would say to him. He
was there for her, always was, but he didn’t make himself available and noticeable.
He hid hoping that she would recognize him there with arms wide open. If
he had just spoken up and told her that he cared, that he loved her, and needed her, then she would have gotten the resistance
that she needed to stop her.
“you can’t go back
to how things were. How you thought
they were. All you really have is…now.”
Things always seem different than they really are. Once a moment has passed there is no way of going back and fixing all the mistakes that you made. All that you have is the moment you are
living in, and that will need to be good enough. Clay can not do anything about
Hannah killing herself, he can not go back in time and stop her. He needs to
live with that.
These were the final words that Hannah said on her tapes. Thank you for listening, thank you for being apart of my suicide, thank you for standing there and doing
nothing while I was dying inside. Thank you are two words that speak so much
more. Two string words filled with emotion.
Two words describing the tapes, and the last years f Hannah’s life. Thank
you were the last words that would keep repeating in clays mind, the last two words he would hear from Hannah.