Summary

Hannah for the first time talks about giving up on life. Hannah explains the thoughts she’s had about killing herself. She explains the method she would use to commit suicide; the least painful way, pills.

This twelfth tape is made for Bryce Walker, who again appears in a story. Hannah describes another experience at a different party. This party took place at Courtney Crimson’s house. Hannah happened to have been house-sitting her dad’s friend’s house, which was a few houses down from where Courtney lived.

Hannah decided to check out the party on her way home. By the time Hannah reached Courtney’s house the party was over. Courtney spots Hannah walking by, and invites her to hang out in her hot tub. Hannah decides to join Courtney and Bryce Walker in the hot tub.

Courtney leaves Hannah and Bryce alone in the hot tub together. Hannah knows it is a bad idea to stay be alone Bryce, but she stays anyways. Bryce touches Hannah sexually, and she lets him. At this moment, Hannah becomes the reputation that the other kids made about her.

Analysis

The chapter focuses on the idea of giving up on yourself, as well as life. Hannah’s self esteem is at an extreme low, and she does not believe in herself anymore. She expresses her depression by thinking of the different ways to commit suicide. The snowball effect that is discussed in previous cassettes has come to a stop. The snowball has become so large that it finally crumbles and melts, which symbolizes Hannah’s world crumbling beneath her.

Hannah has become so emotionally and mentally weak, that doesn’t care about anything anymore. The hot tub is a symbol of Hannah losing her innocence. Bryce touches Hannah in sexual place, and she lets him. Hannah is so weak that she can not find the strength to tell Bryce to stop. The hot tub is the place where Hannah becomes the reputation that the kids at school made for her. On this cassette Hannah says to Bryce, “I let my reputation catch up with me-I let my reputation become me-with you.” (Page 265)